With huge apologies to Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side”
.
.
Andruw came from Atlanta in G-A
and ate his way across the U.S.A.
No workouts and tons of chow
And he became the Curaçao Cow®
We say, hey Jones, take a seat for the young guys,
We say, hey Andruw, take a seat for the young guys.
.
Andruw came from out on the island.
In the backroom Ned was Boras’s darlin’.
Ned paid out thirty-six million
Though Jones’ swing was really illin’.
We say, hey Jones, take a seat for the young guys,
We say, hey Andruw, take a seat for the young guys.
.
And the ITD girls go:
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre)
.
Torre, Joe longs for an older day;
The PVLs have to play and play.
A Russell here and a Russell there,
No other kid playing will I dare.
We say, hey Torre, take a chance play the young guys,
We say, hey Joe, take a chance play the young guys.
.
Matt Kemp, De Witt, Martin and Loney,
D Young, LaRoche, Hu, don’t forget Andre.
Now they play in The Show
And you can see them go, go, go!
They say, hey Joe, take a chance play us young guys,
They say, hey Ned, don’t you dare trade us young guys.
All right, huh
.
Nelly wants to see her Andre,
Sara loves Russell every day,
Amy will be Mrs. Kemp.
Despite management’s Moe, Larry, and Shemp
They say, hey Frank, don’t you dare trade our young guys,
They say, hey McCourt, we will root on our young guys!
.
And the ITD girls go:
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre, ‘Dre)
(‘Dre)

I was thinking about the injury misfortune that has befallen so many of Ned Colletti’s acquisitions and, you know, he just seems to have that touch. This song’s chorus sprung to my mind and I was going to parody it, but upon reading the whole thing, I find that NOT A SINGLE WORD NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. So it doesn’t official count as a parody, just a commentary on the General Manager.
.
The Hollies
“King Midas In Reverse”
[Allan Clarke/Tony Hicks/(but mainly) Graham Nash]
.
If you could only see me
I know exactly where I am
You wouldn’t want to be me
Oh, I can assure you of that
I’m not the guy to run with
‘Cos I’ll throw you off the line
I’ll break you and destroy you
Given time.
.
He’s King Midas with a curse
He’s King Midas in reverse
He’s King Midas with a curse
He’s King Midas in reverse
.
It’s plain to see it’s hopeless
Going on the way we are
So even though I’d lose you
You’d be better off by far
He’s not the man to hold your trust
Everything he touches turns to dust
In his hands
Nothing he can do is right
He’d even like to sleep at night
But he can’t.
.
(all he touches turns to dust)
(all he touches turns to dust)
(all he touches turns to dust)
(all he touches turns to dust)
.
I wish someone would find me
And help me gain control
Before I lose my reason
And my soul
.
He’s King Midas with a curse
He’s King Midas in reverse
He’s King Midas with a curse (all he touches turns to dust)
He’s King Midas in reverse (all he touches turns to dust)
[fade out]

Apologies to Stephen Sondheim for this:
.
Pierre is rich.
Ned has fake hair.
The team will be last in the West,
Fans in despair.
Send in the clowns.
.
Fans are all pissed.
They don’t approve.
Torre keeps jerking around,
Nomar can’t move.
They are all clowns;
Send in the clowns.
.
Fans want to see the kids play,
Finally knowing the kids that should play ev’ryday,
Making their entrance fifteen dollars in hand,
Sure who should play,
So few are there.
.
Jeff Kent takes hacks.
“Kid’s fault”, says he.
Andruw and Sweeney flail wildly.
Out! Strike three!
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.
.
McCourt is rich,
But still no ring,
Losing so many this year.
Promote Kim Ng!
But where are the wins?
The kid could still win.
Well, maybe next year.

With apologies to Pete Seeger:
.
Where have all the veterans gone?
Long time playing
Where have all the veterans gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the veterans gone?
The disabled list every one
When will Ned ever learn?
When will Ned ever learn?
.
Where have all the young kids gone?
Short time playing
Where have all the young kids gone?
Short time ago
Where have all the young kids gone?
Starting jobs every one [Girls have picked them every one (!)]
When will Ned ever learn?
When will Ned ever learn?
.
Etc.